When all else fails....

....Hug a tree, and scream. I cannot stress the amazing practicality of the advice in the title line and the previous sentence. It's really not as ridiculous as it sounds, for the following reasons I'm about to present. But first, some background.
I have held this advice dear in my heart for some time now, it was first given to me during my days in Arkansas by a wonderful friend. But never have I completely understood the depth and truth embedded in this beautiful proverb until now, and I am so lucky to have come across it. And this is why.
I shall pry apart the proverb piece by piece.
1. When all else fails-
To understand this line, you must take careful note of the word "all". This means in a moment of true desperation, when you have already done everything including: had a cup of tea, started a fight between 2 other people, yourself excluded, killed someone, cried, sang a song, ate a turnip, and completed several other actions often overlooked that are also in the category of "all". I will describe the importance of the above actions in another post.
2. Hug a tree-
If you have never hugged a tree, you should. It's cold, hard, and rather uncomfortable. And that's why it's so important you hug a tree, and not a person, or even a Baldrick. Hugging anything besides a tree will lull you into a false sense of security that will become your own demise. The tree will bring forth the true seriousness of your situation: a problem that even a cup of tea cannot remedy.
3. And scream.-
This combined with the previous is the most important part of this advice. You see, after you have hugged that tree, you'll have all these crappy, self-pitying feelings that had been welled up in the dark recesses of your heart and mind that have been brutally yanked to the top of your throat. At this point, you'll begin to get these suicidal thoughts, and I MUST stress the importance of keeping yourself alive until you get the chance to scream. The Scream, you see, allows you to release all your troubles. This isn't any scream, this is The Scream of a desperate man who has just hugged a cold, hard tree that cares about you far less than you care about it.
4. The effect- This final note is about the warmth of the effect. You get this amazing feeling of peace and pleasant helplessness--the knowledge that there's nothing you can do at all, so may God deal with you like the piece of refuse that you are. And this acceptance is the absolute hardest to achieve.
This, dear friend, is the true meaning behind the brilliant proverb: When all else fails, hug a tree, and scream.

Questions

Why must I be pressured into writing things on this blog when I have nothing to say? Why must I post for the only 2 people who read this blog? Is it because I'm a good friend? Or is it just because I want to look back in the archives several years later and wonder if it was really me who wrote these things? I just don't know anymore.

Opinions

An opinion is something that many people have. Asking people about their own opinions is a very good way of making friends. However, telling people about your own opinions may not work nearly as well.
But I can't say telling opinions is always bad. Sometimes, you may find that their opinion is the same as yours, and you can have a heated rant together about exactly how right your opinion is. Unfortunately, if their opinion is not the same, one of you may end up dying. So to prevent that person from being you, I suggest you study martial arts or take a self defense class or something.
Politicians are especially good at telling their opinions. If anyone has watched the House debate on health care, you may have noticed plenty of truly random opinions that have little to do with the actual topic. However, I must comment on the together-ness of the Republicans. All for one, and whatnot. But I would suggest that they get more followers if they want to win.
Freedom is an illusion. Your opinion is rarely valued, and sure, you are allowed to voice whatever opinions you have, but you always need to be careful what you say in case you die in the process. While there may be 10 who think the same way you do, there's probably 100 more who want to kill you for thinking that way. So while you are at liberty to say what you like, you're really not, if you value your right eye.
As I look about at the odd things I typed, there's one key theme I want you to get. My opinion.